Sometimes these things happen. I know two people, who, every year, go through this on the anniversary of when abuse happened.

These are the thoughts of one of those people.

I CAN’T BREATH…
GET OFF OF ME
GET OFFFFFF OF ME I BEGGED
TO THE INTRUDER ABOVE ME
BLOCKING OFF MY AIR…
WHY ARE YOU CHOKING ME?
I GASPED…
I WAS ALMOST SPEECHLESS
FROM THE LACK OF AIR…FROM THIS MONSTER
LITERALLY TAKING ALL THE BREATH OF AIR…
MY OXYGEN…
AWAY FROM MY LUNGS…
I CAN’T B R E A T H !
WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?
I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE
I DON’T REMEMBER
DID I DO SOMETHING TO THEM?
HOW CAN I BE A PROBLEM GOD,
IF I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT
I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL…
GOD HELP ME PLEASE
IT’S SO DARK IN HERE GOD…
PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE…
I’M SO AFRAID
PLEASE TURN ON A LIGHT
I’M FRIGHTENED OF THE DARK
I CAN’T SEE THE MAN ABOVE ME
I CAN SMELL HIM
I FEEL THE WEIGHT ON ME
I CAN’T BREATH
HELP
ME
PLEASE
Signed by a survivor having flashbacks

The second survivor is still not realizing everything that happened to her, but at a young age, she was abused sexually. This person tends to blame herself for this; it was her mom's abusive boyfriend's nephew. She claims that she was "9 years old and just learning about sex." I have told her that it is abuse, and she is reacting to that as well as her mom's abusive boyfriend issue.

Conversation with God by a Victim.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: GET2THE Truth (414419033)
To: Sojourner Truth
Date: Mar 14, 2009 7:02 PM
Subject: A JUN 08 CONVERSATION WITH God


(Hi...I wrote this conversation to God in June...of last year & thought you would like to see it, b4 I blogged it...
Hope you like sharing in it...
This is something I lived through ...Oma is german for Grandma...)
I have not blogged this yet...but wanted to share it with you before I wrote it to anyone else...Please tell me what you think...Thanks
ASH
*********************************
MY SISTERS ARE ALL MAD AT ME GOD...
BECAUSE I TOLD WHAT DADDY DID...
DADDY LOVES ME ...
BUT HE LOVES ME A DIFFERENT WAY FROM THEM

MY MOM DOES NOT LOVE ME...
THE SAME AS SHE LOVES MY SISTERS
I THINK DADDY HURT HER
WHEN HE TOLD HER
I HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BROWN EYES...

I'M SORRY MOMMY..
I DID NOT ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO EXCLUDE YOU
HE SAID YOU DID THAT ALL ON YOUR OWN
HE TOLD ME
YOU NO LONGER CARE FOR HIS GESTURES
OF LOVE
YOU JUST AREN'T LOVING AT ALL
HOW WAS I TO KNOW
HE WAS LYING ALL ALONG...
I WAS JUST A CHILD
HIS VICTIM AFTER ALL

GOD...WHY DOES DADDY TALK TO ME LIKE THAT
I'M TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND...
ALL I KNOW IS I'M DADDY'S SPECIAL GIRL
BUT NOW LOOKING BACK
I SEE THAT IT WAS NOT SPECIAL AT ALL...
&&&&&&&&&&&&


I'M NOT A LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE...
I'M LIVING WITH A FRIEND
HE FORBIDS ME CONTACT
WITH MY FAMILY ALL THE TIME...

I KEEP ON THINKING IF ONLY I HADN'T DONE THIS OR THAT
IF ONLY I HAD BEEN
THE GOOD LITTLE GIRL
MY MOM AND DAD
WOULD HAVE LOVED ME
IN THE NORMAL PARENT CHILD WAY......
OR WOULD THEY HAVE ...
ONLY YOU KNOW...
GOD???
ARE YOU THERE???

NOW HERE I AM
WINCING BECAUSE
HE IS THREATENING THEM AGAIN...
HERE IS WHAT HE SAYS

"I FORBID YOU TO SEE YOUR PARENTS
IF I SEE YOUR CAR IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE
AND IT DOES NOT MATTER WHERE YOU GO
I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL KNOW

I WILL HARM YOUR OMA WHO IS IN THE NURSING HOME
NO ONE WILL STOP ME
AFTER ALL I AM AN RN! AND
YOU WILL GET THE BLAME"

MY OMA DIES THE NEXT DAY
I MISSED SEEING HER
IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY
I TRIED OH GOD I DID

MY HEAD IS HURTING
MY ARMS SO SORE
THE BRUISE IS RISING RAPIDLY
AND ALL I CAN THINK OF IS...

I NEED TO MAKE THIS OKAY...
I FEEL SO GUILTY
IF I CAN TAKE THE BLAME
MAYBE JUST MAYBE
HE WONT BE MAD AT ME...AND
MAYBE JUST MAYBE
HE'LL LOVE ME TODAY

BY A SURVIVOR OF HELL
***********

A Letter to God from a Rape Victim.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: GET2THE Truth
Date: Jan 28, 2009 7:11 PM


Please pray for me...
Even though it's been ten years...
I'm still so numb from this attack...
*********I called Home today God...
So glad You answered...
SO Glad You were Home
It's been ten years today...
Since I was drugged, raped & held captive for 8 hours…
My sister & I had gone out to celebrate
She went home with someone and I was left to catch a cab...

Only a cab was never called...
For
there was an evil man...
who had plans for me...
He feigned Musical interest for his sons...'when in all reality...
he meant harm from the get go
Without You God...
I would NEVER have made it through the ordeal that still haunts me today
What did he put in my drink he served me that evening…
I remember taking one sip…
It tasted so bitter…
I didn’t drink anymore…
But…
That was all it took…
The next thing I remembered was waking up and he was on top of me
Laughing…
Because now…aware of what was going on…
I was pushing him off…and crying NO!
He laughed saying
Come on…Ashley…
Come on…
You weren’t saying that earlier…
“Yeah, I know…I was unconscious from the drugs you served me in your restaurant…”
I got away that day…
I got to the hospital,
The police were called
The rapist was picked up…
And during the trial…
He admitted under oath that I had said No…several times…
But
He did it anyway…
Then because of certain technicalities in the State I was living in at that time…
He was found Not guilty…
YEAH I probably could have lived with that…although hard as it was…I would have gone on…
It’s what the Judge did after he announced the verdict that changed my life as I knew it…forever…

He walked over to the rapist…and said…
Out loud for ALL to hear…
“Hey man…Way to go…
Congratulations on winning your case in my courtroom…” Then he shook his hand…
To say I was floored…is putting it mildly.
The State Atty…the Victim Advocate and everyone in the courtroom…that heard it as well as the Victim…were stunned!
That’s why I called You God…
So glad You were Home…
I just wanted to make sure You were still there…
Because without You
God...
I wont make it through the next three days...

I'm sick to my stomach...
I can't eat...
I feel a knot in my throat...
I'm scared

yet I'm not!

Help me Lord...
Help me through these next three days...
Oh God …
Please Help me through the Rest of my life
And if my stories of survival
Can help yet one more…
I Trust YOU to get them to the right ears & eyes…

Your Daughter...
Ashley

I was thinking last night.........

These were my thoughts last night before I went to bed. Was I shaken or abused as an infant? I am reading all this stuff about symptoms of abuse, that I had that I don't remember the causes of, but my aunt would tell me about them. My mom had free rein to do whatever she wanted to me when I was a baby, because no one was there to see any of it. My dad was working on the Great Lakes; he was a mate on the Ore Boats. My aunt, uncle, and cousin lived downstairs, but they probably didn't come up very often; she could have shaken me, or done something to my genitals, (she seemed pre-occupied with that area of my body for some reason). But all those people who could shed light on that aspect of things are dead now, some are in Heaven, some are not. I don't think I have a living aunt or uncle anywhere. But I am reading of the symptoms, all of which I have had at one time or another in my childhood. I can actually think about my childhood now, where I could not for a long time.

Ladies, Don't Delude Yourself!

This is a heads up for you ladies who are in relationships. If you feel sorry for him, WATCH OUT! If he depends on you, WATCH OUT! If you have to help him think, WATCH OUT! These are three things that I never thought I would have to repeat again in my life. I had thought I would never see heartache again. Let me explain.

I was in college, working for my master's degree. I was in my mid-fifties. I started tutoring a man who wanted to get his BA with all he was worth. In time I was editing his papers for him, because his communication skills were obviously non-existent. Pretty soon, I stopped charging him, because he kept looking at his watch instead of concentrating on learning what I was trying to teach him. Eventually, I began typing out his papers, arranging his sentences in the way they should be to form paragraphs. He had an English teacher who was suspicious of things, because he could not perform an in class essay in the way that his papers appeared to be written. I had to fear getting caught and disciplined, jeopardizing my own degree progress. It did not happen that way, and I am grateful to God for that.

Eventually, we became closer than teacher and student, and we finally got married. I spent a lot of money on him, and when I finally got my degree, and began teaching, I had to leave him alone for long periods of time. I had to stop working such long hours, so I took a job where I was not making so much money, and could be home longer. When I ran into trouble was when I could not keep him in the lifestyle I had done before, and he consistently complained to his siblings that he didn't have any money. They helped him divorce me, and at the time all this transpired, I had a broken foot, and could no longer work. I had to take an early retirement, not being about to work for five more years, as I had planned. So my pension is not what I would want it to be, and I have many more financial problems than I would like to have.

Ladies, if you are secure as a single person, I implore you to stay that way. Don't put your life in jeopardy for a guy who can't operate on his own. It is not worth it.

Let me introduce to you someone whom I know through the Internet

This little gal was sexually abused as a child up until the age of 8. It was done by a person who cared for her while her parents were at work. She knows who the guy is; he seems to be a friend of the family (isn't that how it always is?) She has worked with a lawyer to have him charged, and her dad and stepmom are mad at her, but her mom is supporting her. As are all of her friends at this stage of her life. She says that when her grandfather died, this molester person was at his funeral. So probably the whole family knows him. It's like, "What a jerk!"

I will let you know what transpires in this situation.

In the meantime, God Bless.

What is wrong with people?

People are killing their children. The are molesting the children of others, and even their own children. Courts are giving children to incompetent parents, and those parents are killing the children. Non custodial parents are taking their children for whatever reason, and they are put on police blotters and warrants are being written for them.

I work with the Educational industry, and I see kids every day and hear stories every day, and then I turn on my computer and see the stories of these kinds of abuses that are happening all over the world. Women are being abused, and the children are seeing it and they are probably going to repeat these things in their own lives.

Teachers are getting in on the act; they are not screened before they get their credentials; this is what I was told fourteen years ago when I went for mine. However, it was not until the past few years that they have been having molestation charges levied against them, or having affairs with their students, and their husbands shooting their students, etc. Are the schools too busy to screen credential applicants? Or are the methods getting too lax?

I think the United States should revise their entire system of dealing with crime and education; to the point where community colleges have to re think their methods of educating people; to the point where universities have to do the same. Also in the matter of police situations, let the crimes be dealt with fairly, and not give them a quota of tickets to write, so that they focus their attention on real things to deal with instead of meeting a quota. There has got to be an authority that is worth calling when something happens.