Abuse Survivor

Sometimes these things happen. I know two people, who, every year, go through this on the anniversary of when abuse happened.

2009-03-20T21:12:00.000-07:00

These are the thoughts of one of those people.

I CAN’T BREATH…
GET OFF OF ME
GET OFFFFFF OF ME I BEGGED
TO THE INTRUDER ABOVE ME
BLOCKING OFF MY AIR…
WHY ARE YOU CHOKING ME?
I GASPED…
I WAS ALMOST SPEECHLESS
FROM THE LACK OF AIR…FROM THIS MONSTER
LITERALLY TAKING ALL THE BREATH OF AIR…
MY OXYGEN…
AWAY FROM MY LUNGS…
I CAN’T B R E A T H !
WHAT DID I DO TO YOU?
I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE
I DON’T REMEMBER
DID I DO SOMETHING TO THEM?
HOW CAN I BE A PROBLEM GOD,
IF I DON’T REMEMBER WHAT
I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL…
GOD HELP ME PLEASE
IT’S SO DARK IN HERE GOD…
PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME ALONE…
I’M SO AFRAID
PLEASE TURN ON A LIGHT
I’M FRIGHTENED OF THE DARK
I CAN’T SEE THE MAN ABOVE ME
I CAN SMELL HIM
I FEEL THE WEIGHT ON ME
I CAN’T BREATH
HELP
ME
PLEASE
Signed by a survivor having flashbacks

The second survivor is still not realizing everything that happened to her, but at a young age, she was abused sexually. This person tends to blame herself for this; it was her mom's abusive boyfriend's nephew. She claims that she was "9 years old and just learning about sex." I have told her that it is abuse, and she is reacting to that as well as her mom's abusive boyfriend issue.

Conversation with God by a Victim.

2009-03-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: GET2THE Truth (414419033)
To: Sojourner Truth
Date: Mar 14, 2009 7:02 PM
Subject: A JUN 08 CONVERSATION WITH God

(Hi...I wrote this conversation to God in June...of last year & thought you would like to see it, b4 I blogged it...
Hope you like sharing in it...
This is something I lived through ...Oma is german for Grandma...)
I have not blogged this yet...but wanted to share it with you before I wrote it to anyone else...Please tell me what you think...Thanks
ASH
*********************************
MY SISTERS ARE ALL MAD AT ME GOD...
BECAUSE I TOLD WHAT DADDY DID...
DADDY LOVES ME ...
BUT HE LOVES ME A DIFFERENT WAY FROM THEM

MY MOM DOES NOT LOVE ME...
THE SAME AS SHE LOVES MY SISTERS
I THINK DADDY HURT HER
WHEN HE TOLD HER
I HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BROWN EYES...

I'M SORRY MOMMY..
I DID NOT ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO EXCLUDE YOU
HE SAID YOU DID THAT ALL ON YOUR OWN
HE TOLD ME
YOU NO LONGER CARE FOR HIS GESTURES
OF LOVE
YOU JUST AREN'T LOVING AT ALL
HOW WAS I TO KNOW
HE WAS LYING ALL ALONG...
I WAS JUST A CHILD
HIS VICTIM AFTER ALL

GOD...WHY DOES DADDY TALK TO ME LIKE THAT
I'M TOO YOUNG TO UNDERSTAND...
ALL I KNOW IS I'M DADDY'S SPECIAL GIRL
BUT NOW LOOKING BACK
I SEE THAT IT WAS NOT SPECIAL AT ALL...
&&&&&&&&&&&&

I'M NOT A LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE...
I'M LIVING WITH A FRIEND
HE FORBIDS ME CONTACT
WITH MY FAMILY ALL THE TIME...

I KEEP ON THINKING IF ONLY I HADN'T DONE THIS OR THAT
IF ONLY I HAD BEEN
THE GOOD LITTLE GIRL
MY MOM AND DAD
WOULD HAVE LOVED ME
IN THE NORMAL PARENT CHILD WAY......
OR WOULD THEY HAVE ...
ONLY YOU KNOW...
GOD???
ARE YOU THERE???

NOW HERE I AM
WINCING BECAUSE
HE IS THREATENING THEM AGAIN...
HERE IS WHAT HE SAYS

"I FORBID YOU TO SEE YOUR PARENTS
IF I SEE YOUR CAR IN FRONT OF THEIR HOUSE
AND IT DOES NOT MATTER WHERE YOU GO
I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL KNOW

I WILL HARM YOUR OMA WHO IS IN THE NURSING HOME
NO ONE WILL STOP ME
AFTER ALL I AM AN RN! AND
YOU WILL GET THE BLAME"

MY OMA DIES THE NEXT DAY
I MISSED SEEING HER
IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY
I TRIED OH GOD I DID

MY HEAD IS HURTING
MY ARMS SO SORE
THE BRUISE IS RISING RAPIDLY
AND ALL I CAN THINK OF IS...

I NEED TO MAKE THIS OKAY...
I FEEL SO GUILTY
IF I CAN TAKE THE BLAME
MAYBE JUST MAYBE
HE WONT BE MAD AT ME...AND
MAYBE JUST MAYBE
HE'LL LOVE ME TODAY

BY A SURVIVOR OF HELL
***********

A Letter to God from a Rape Victim.

2009-01-28T17:25:00.000-08:00

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: GET2THE Truth
Date: Jan 28, 2009 7:11 PM

Please pray for me...
Even though it's been ten years...
I'm still so numb from this attack...
*********I called Home today God...
So glad You answered...
SO Glad You were Home
It's been ten years today...
Since I was drugged, raped & held captive for 8 hours…
My sister & I had gone out to celebrate
She went home with someone and I was left to catch a cab...

Only a cab was never called...
For
there was an evil man...
who had plans for me...
He feigned Musical interest for his sons...'when in all reality...
he meant harm from the get go
Without You God...
I would NEVER have made it through the ordeal that still haunts me today
What did he put in my drink he served me that evening…
I remember taking one sip…
It tasted so bitter…
I didn’t drink anymore…
But…
That was all it took…
The next thing I remembered was waking up and he was on top of me
Laughing…
Because now…aware of what was going on…
I was pushing him off…and crying NO!
He laughed saying
Come on…Ashley…
Come on…
You weren’t saying that earlier…
“Yeah, I know…I was unconscious from the drugs you served me in your restaurant…”
I got away that day…
I got to the hospital,
The police were called
The rapist was picked up…
And during the trial…
He admitted under oath that I had said No…several times…
But
He did it anyway…
Then because of certain technicalities in the State I was living in at that time…
He was found Not guilty…
YEAH I probably could have lived with that…although hard as it was…I would have gone on…
It’s what the Judge did after he announced the verdict that changed my life as I knew it…forever…

He walked over to the rapist…and said…
Out loud for ALL to hear…
“Hey man…Way to go…
Congratulations on winning your case in my courtroom…” Then he shook his hand…
To say I was floored…is putting it mildly.
The State Atty…the Victim Advocate and everyone in the courtroom…that heard it as well as the Victim…were stunned!
That’s why I called You God…
So glad You were Home…
I just wanted to make sure You were still there…
Because without You
God...
I wont make it through the next three days...

I'm sick to my stomach...
I can't eat...
I feel a knot in my throat...
I'm scared

yet I'm not!

Help me Lord...
Help me through these next three days...
Oh God …
Please Help me through the Rest of my life
And if my stories of survival
Can help yet one more…
I Trust YOU to get them to the right ears & eyes…

Your Daughter...
Ashley

I was thinking last night.........

2008-09-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

These were my thoughts last night before I went to bed. Was I shaken or abused as an infant? I am reading all this stuff about symptoms of abuse, that I had that I don't remember the causes of, but my aunt would tell me about them. My mom had free rein to do whatever she wanted to me when I was a baby, because no one was there to see any of it. My dad was working on the Great Lakes; he was a mate on the Ore Boats. My aunt, uncle, and cousin lived downstairs, but they probably didn't come up very often; she could have shaken me, or done something to my genitals, (she seemed pre-occupied with that area of my body for some reason). But all those people who could shed light on that aspect of things are dead now, some are in Heaven, some are not. I don't think I have a living aunt or uncle anywhere. But I am reading of the symptoms, all of which I have had at one time or another in my childhood. I can actually think about my childhood now, where I could not for a long time.

Ladies, Don't Delude Yourself!

2008-08-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

This is a heads up for you ladies who are in relationships. If you feel sorry for him, WATCH OUT! If he depends on you, WATCH OUT! If you have to help him think, WATCH OUT! These are three things that I never thought I would have to repeat again in my life. I had thought I would never see heartache again. Let me explain.

I was in college, working for my master's degree. I was in my mid-fifties. I started tutoring a man who wanted to get his BA with all he was worth. In time I was editing his papers for him, because his communication skills were obviously non-existent. Pretty soon, I stopped charging him, because he kept looking at his watch instead of concentrating on learning what I was trying to teach him. Eventually, I began typing out his papers, arranging his sentences in the way they should be to form paragraphs. He had an English teacher who was suspicious of things, because he could not perform an in class essay in the way that his papers appeared to be written. I had to fear getting caught and disciplined, jeopardizing my own degree progress. It did not happen that way, and I am grateful to God for that.

Eventually, we became closer than teacher and student, and we finally got married. I spent a lot of money on him, and when I finally got my degree, and began teaching, I had to leave him alone for long periods of time. I had to stop working such long hours, so I took a job where I was not making so much money, and could be home longer. When I ran into trouble was when I could not keep him in the lifestyle I had done before, and he consistently complained to his siblings that he didn't have any money. They helped him divorce me, and at the time all this transpired, I had a broken foot, and could no longer work. I had to take an early retirement, not being about to work for five more years, as I had planned. So my pension is not what I would want it to be, and I have many more financial problems than I would like to have.

Ladies, if you are secure as a single person, I implore you to stay that way. Don't put your life in jeopardy for a guy who can't operate on his own. It is not worth it.

Let me introduce to you someone whom I know through the Internet

2007-09-03T23:51:00.000-07:00

This little gal was sexually abused as a child up until the age of 8. It was done by a person who cared for her while her parents were at work. She knows who the guy is; he seems to be a friend of the family (isn't that how it always is?) She has worked with a lawyer to have him charged, and her dad and stepmom are mad at her, but her mom is supporting her. As are all of her friends at this stage of her life. She says that when her grandfather died, this molester person was at his funeral. So probably the whole family knows him. It's like, "What a jerk!"

I will let you know what transpires in this situation.

In the meantime, God Bless.

What is wrong with people?

2007-04-10T22:09:00.000-07:00

People are killing their children. The are molesting the children of others, and even their own children. Courts are giving children to incompetent parents, and those parents are killing the children. Non custodial parents are taking their children for whatever reason, and they are put on police blotters and warrants are being written for them.

I work with the Educational industry, and I see kids every day and hear stories every day, and then I turn on my computer and see the stories of these kinds of abuses that are happening all over the world. Women are being abused, and the children are seeing it and they are probably going to repeat these things in their own lives.

Teachers are getting in on the act; they are not screened before they get their credentials; this is what I was told fourteen years ago when I went for mine. However, it was not until the past few years that they have been having molestation charges levied against them, or having affairs with their students, and their husbands shooting their students, etc. Are the schools too busy to screen credential applicants? Or are the methods getting too lax?

I think the United States should revise their entire system of dealing with crime and education; to the point where community colleges have to re think their methods of educating people; to the point where universities have to do the same. Also in the matter of police situations, let the crimes be dealt with fairly, and not give them a quota of tickets to write, so that they focus their attention on real things to deal with instead of meeting a quota. There has got to be an authority that is worth calling when something happens.

Grandparent and Sibling Rights after open Adoption Agreement Petition

2007-02-18T23:10:00.000-08:00

Grandparent and Sibling Rights after open Adoption Agreement Petition

This is about legal lying, backed up by the courts. How are we to teach honesty and truthfulness if these situations exist? This same situation is the one I was in 35 years ago. It was in the neighboring state of Wisconsin, and so I think that the politics are the same in both states.

Please sign this petition, and set a precedent.

In a World of Relativism............

2007-02-16T21:58:00.000-08:00

Society and the courts are trying the impossible. They are giving everybody a fair chance. A fair trial. So perpetrators of abuse are being given the chance to "prove" themselves "innocent", and get back out into the free world to do it again. And many times they do. Lawyers are going to court with these criminals and getting them off without jail time at all, so that they don't have to pay for what they do. Victims are getting a less fair shake; they not only have the horrible memory of this abuse, they have the fight on their hands to make sure that this guy gets what he deserves, which he probably will not. When a law gets voted in, and a lawyer for a sex offender gets it overturned because the guy doesn't want to have to move, that is unfair, and it should not happen like that.
Killers get the same break. Examples of that are OJ Simpson, and Robert Blake. And how many more?

Comments??

Shasta's Kidnapper and the Killer of Her Family.

2007-01-18T15:34:00.000-08:00

This is new information regarding the killer of the family of Shasta Groene, and the guy who abducted her. His name is Richard Duncan, aka Joseph Duncan, and he has been arrested for that crime, and also for killing a ten year old boy, Anthony Martinez, right here in Southern California. This guy apparently got around. The ten year old kid was found 15 days later, dead with his body tied up and naked. I’m hearing different things about where his body was found, but I’m glad they got this guy, because he was sick. Very sick. To kill a whole family, and kidnap two kids, and then kill one of them in front of the other one. I remember we prayed in church for the authorities to find this little boy in 1997, and then when he was found dead, we prayed for his killer to be found. He had to commit this heinous crime years later, but he was found, and may he never get out. He is being tried for this first crime in addition to the other crimes, so it seems that he will not get out. That is good; now let them catch some others who haven’t been caught yet.

I am listening to Sa

2006-12-24T21:22:00.000-08:00

I am listening to Sandler and Young’s Christmas CD on my laptop and my husband is lying down after church on Christmas Eve. It is a lazy night after the rush of the season is over. The busiest day of the season was the 16th of December, as we had dinner and gift giving at Terry’s and in the evening I had my potluck in the clubhouse. Both went quite well, I must say. I am beginning to appreciate Doug’s family, as they all treat each other with the ultimate respect on holidays now. There is no back biting as there once was. Nobody drinks too much, and everybody is polite. This year we had a new guest, Jake’s new partner, Jan West, from our park. She plans to move to Arizona next year, but for now she goes everywhere with Jake. It’s nice, because he doesn’t have Norma anymore. I am beginning to like getting together with Doug’s family now, where previously I had misgivings because of some of the guys I had to put up with. But now it’s okay, because they most of the time behave.

Sandler and Young are singing O Holy Night now, and it is just quite nice to hear something from the old days for once. Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices, Gordon sang that in church tonight. He is part of the musical family of the church, consisting of his dad, his nephew, and his brother, and himself. We tease his brother, whose name is Glenn Campbell. His son, Eric, plays for the youth group, and he is good. Katie writes lyrics for him. Eric’s wife, Amy, is my friend, as is Sondra, Gordon’s wife. I really like all the Campbells. Erma directs the choir, which is getting low on members, so maybe I should join for a while. Have to get rid of this cold first.

2006-12-17T15:42:00.000-08:00

A Beautiful Story about the Meaning of Christmas.

There once was a man who was a good husband and father, who always provided for his family, but he just could not accept someone coming down from Heaven, becoming a man, and saving a world of humans from sin. He wanted to be honest about it, so when his wife and children wanted to go to church on Christmas Eve, he said he could not be a hypocrite, and so, although he would be waiting for them to come home from church, he would not go with them.

They left, and he said good bye to them, and then he sat down to read his newspaper. After a while the snow began to fall. Suddenly he heard thump, thump, thump, on the picture window, and thought it was children throwing snowballs on the window. He went out to tell them to stop, when as he walked outside into the weather, he saw it was a flock of birds wanting to get into the house to keep warm as it was very cold. They were hitting the glass, thinking it was not there. He said, “I must do something for these birds, for they are cold and need to keep warm.” He opened up the barn, and tried to get them to go into it, but they would not go. He put bread crumbs down to attract them to go in, but still they would not go. He even tried to chase them in, but they would not go. Then, he thought, “If I only could become a bird, I could save these birds.” Just as he was thinking that, the church bells began to ring, sounding the message of Christmas. This man suddenly realized the full meaning of Christmas, that God sent His Son down to become a man to save us, just as he wished he could become a bird to save these birds. The man fell to his knees, and accepted Christ just then.

If our greatest need were for information,

God would have sent an educator.

If our greatest need had been for technology,

God would have sent a scientist.

If our need were for money,

God would have sent a banker of financier.

If our need were for entertainment,

God would have sent an entertainer.

But our greatest need was none of these.

Our problem was sin and our need was forgiveness,

And therefore, God sent a Savior.

My new Friend

2006-11-11T18:38:00.000-08:00

I have a new friend whom I met in my mobile home park. She has been abused by her family, and she cannot forget it. Today I went over to her house to pray with her, and she would not pray with me. Her mind was on other things; for one thing, her husband was upset and I tried to calm her down in order to help her, but she went off on him big time for wanting time for himself alone and not with her. I told her to wait til he got home and talk to him about it. She did just that. But she screamed at him. I gave her a hug and went home. But I need to pray with her, so she stops this attitude of hers. She is so troubled and I know what is wrong. It is all the memories and the demons are reminding her of all of this stuff, and it is making her crazy. This might be manic depressive attitude, which can only be helped by the removal of the demons in her life. She needs the Lord.

Pray for her. She needs the victory that Jesus can give her.

A New Generation of Abuse

2006-04-25T22:10:00.000-07:00

I wonder why the same types of verbal abuse is occurring today which has happened for at least four decades. Did some crooked lawyer write a book for lawyers today to advise their clients on how to intimidate their wives or ex wives? How to gain control of children's minds and hearts, so they don't know what side their bread is buttered on?

I read lots of email on groups, message boards, etc., and it is not stopping. We must find a way to end it before more people kill their children, before more families are murdered and mutilated, and before the murder suicide rate goes to 100%!

Do you wish you could understand?

2005-11-19T20:58:00.000-08:00

http://blog.runboard.com/dolphinpod/

This is a prevailing condition, which we may or may not be faced with, and someone we love may have it. Read and distribute.

A story by HG Wells

2005-11-11T20:18:00.000-08:00

If you have been abused by Jehovah's Witnesses, I want you to read about LittleToe, who was converted by Jesus Christ as he was till in the organization and got out of it in a remarkable way.
http://angelfire.com/trek/littletoe/talk.txt

When you read this, you will be pleasantly surprised.

Have you been abused by a cult?

2005-11-06T15:25:00.000-08:00

A form of abuse which I would like to talk about is cultic abuse; that is making a group of people think and believe something that is not true to control their minds. The following is only one example of this:

It is my purpose from here on to keep in the forefront of the mind of every reader the following fact: At the same time that the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society had been telling its members in its Watchtower and Awake Magazines and many of its Publications, particularly the Liver Forever Book and the Revelation Book, that the United Nations represents the Wild Beast of Revelations and the Harlot which sits on the Ten Headed Dragon, and accuses the UN of committing spiritual fornication with false religion, it has been joined forces with it from 1991 until 2001, claiming an NGO status and only dropped its membership due to embarrassment because somebody had found out about it and was publicizing it. Is this an organization which is from God, that joins its supposed opposition?

Feel free

2005-10-18T23:41:00.000-07:00

If anything you see on this blog makes you want to write me, feel free to do so by clicking on the comment link and posting your comment. I will always be there to listen and encourage.

Don't be afraid to open up your heart and mind to see what is good in life.

A form of Abuse which can really make one self-denigrating

2005-10-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

In 1971, I was not thinking very straight. My mind was a mess, and people were making me kind of nuts. A so called friend asked me to take her to another town in which her boyfriend was working, so she could spy on him, for she said she did not trust him. I made arrangements for another friend to baby sit for my children and we went up there. Her boyfriend was my then-boyfriend's brother in law, and I figured that we could both see our boyfriends. I did not know what I was doing.

She talked me into staying up there for two days, even thought I was missing a doctor's appointment, and I did not like missing it. I knew I was making a mistake, but I acquiesced to her wishes. It was not a good thing to do.

When I got home, the house was empty. I could not find either the dog or the cat. My friend was not there. I found a note on the kitchen table, telling me that the children had been put in a home and I should call this number, which I did.

I did not get anywhere at all, but a half an hour later, I was under arrest, and an hour after that, I was in jail. This was all perpetrated by my then husband, who wanted to take the kids away, and he was getting his way. I looked so bad after this, that he was able to tell everybody how bad I was, and everybody believed that I was bad, and my friends were gone, my neighbors were gone, and I was nothing.

Friends, do not let this happen to you. Get some one you trust on your side, and don't be afraid to do it. You need people on your side. My mistake was never liking myself well enough to trust anyone.

I wish you all peace.

Accepting

2005-09-24T12:44:00.000-07:00

One of the aspects of this issue is that of accepting consequences which we feel we deserve. We are so used to getting consequences that we don't deserve that we tend to just let them come, with no argument as to whether we really have them coming. I am working that out in my own life, and it is really hard. This is something which there is nobody to support me in, for nobody understands that I have these other experiences, and I may not be wrong in not wanting to accept certain things.

Is anybody else going through this?

Verbal, Emotional, Mental; Things it is impossible to prove.

2005-09-13T20:08:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had someone tell you that you never did anything right; that you would never do anything right; that you were no good and never would be? That you were stupid; that you were retarded; that you could never acheive anything ever in your life? That you were not a decent person; that nobody liked you; that everybody was looking at you and talking about you?

And then you got away from that, and everyone you ever had a relationship with did the same thing to you? Even people you thought were your friends? And it was still happening in your mid life, into your thirties and forties, after all your kids were born and half grown?

Nobody will ever believe you if you tell them, except maybe people who have had it happen to them, and they actually have gone to college to find these things out about themselves, because they were confused about their own lives.

If you have ever had anything like this happen in your life, you can try a self help book or two to get you started, and then take some classes or you can join support groups of those who seem to understand.

The most difficult thing to prove in a court of law is things that happen inside of you; things that are said from sick minds, which are sometimes inherited from other sick minds.

We have much to deal with in this world, and a lot of it has not been brought to the fore.

Thoughts on a Positive Note

2005-08-06T21:01:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking that only by thinking positive thoughts can we survive things that we have been through. We need to think of how we need to get through this day and the next year and raise our kids and help them to raise our grandkids without thinking of the things that they may have seen or experienced as well as ourselves. It takes dependence on someone greater than ourselves. More on that later.

Love for now.

Little Shasta 8 yeats old

2005-07-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

I want to address this issue; this child will always have to live with this. Her mom, older brother, and another male, were all killed in her house, and then she and her other brother were kidnapped by an abusive pervert. He is said by the child to have molested both of them numerous times, but at what point did he cause the death of the boy? Possibly he did it in the presence of the girl, and buried him with her watching, or she would have run like all get out if he had left her alone while he did it without her being there. So I am thinking she must have seen him, and if she did, she will get to be an adult, even into her 50s and 60s, and remember it. If it doesn't make her crazy, she willl remember it in full consciousness and lucidity, and that is much worse, for no one believes a peerson who has those memories, or at least no one listens to them. It remains to be seen what happens to this child.

Have you been abused?

2005-07-02T22:03:00.000-07:00

I know this is a hard question. Many of us wouldn't want to admit if we have had this experience, because we are told it was our fault that it happened. We did something to bring it on to ourselves. The person did what he or she did to us because of something we did to that person.

Guess What?? This is pure and simple bull. Nobody deserves to be treated abusively. The worst kind of abuse is verbal abuse, because it cannot be proven in a court of law. There is no lawyer or judge who will even decide in the favor of one who has been told that he or she is no good; that he or she does not deserve to be on the face of this earth, to be amongst other people. A classic case is someone who has been forbidden to speak to anyone outside of their home. They may be told that they are too stupid to know anything so no one wants to talk to them anyway. Have you ever been spoken to in this way??

Feel free to respond to this message. This is a free message board.